Beware the Ides of March

I’ve thrown out all my old attempts at updating and written them off to being too old, left to sit too long. I don’t really care anymore to make this all that spectacular. I have to write something, or I’ll suffocate. I have been such an emotional mess the past month, and gotten almost nothing done. I’ve been caught up in an extremely intense relationship, which now finds itself finally being laid to rest. I can feel it below the ground. The earth is still soft. I felt the end coming and coming and it kept going up and down and threatening to break into something beautiful, but I knew it wouldn’t. I feel like I’ve tried really hard to grow and listen (and hear) things that were said to me, and yet I always fell short of doing so. I always shouldered the blame; I always took it all on myself. Sometimes I think that I’m doing so well, and then I just lose it entirely. I feel that in many ways I have been wrong, been unfair or unkind or simply not listened. But I am trying. I am trying so hard to hear.
Yet time and time again, I fail.
I am so very tired of this.
I have so many things to do. I’ve made a list of them all, which just stretches before me like a life sentence. I feel overwhelmed and stretched thin enough to break and I am just so, so tired. I need to take better care of myself. I am emotionally and physically exhausted.

I will try to update more, for those of you who read this. I’m sorry it’s been so long.

But enough of “the fight,” enough “you and I,” enough of “prevail” or “walk in the light.” While the angels stand by I get high as a kite. I'm too tired to smile or know that I'm right. Am I right? And all our best-laid plans, they crumbled in our hands. ~Okkervil River